Have you ever considered that…the language we use, the thoughts we have about our children and the action we take are a direct link to the behaviour we get back?
The Law of Attraction states that: ‘I attract to myself, whatever I give my focus, attention, or thoughts to; whether wanted or unwanted’ or the way Ilike to think of it: ‘What we give most thought to is what we get back’
So when it comes to your children, your relationships and your family…What are you giving most thought and attention to?
Is it that:
- The children never listen to me
- I am always yelling at them
- Their rooms are always messy
- They don’t get their homework done
- They are always annoying each other
- They always leave their clothes all over the floor
- They are not respectful enough
- That you have ‘no control’
Or are you thoughts and attention focused on:
- I love it when the children listen to me
- It’s great that they respond the first time I ask them
- I really appreciate that they make an effort to keep their rooms clean
- Gee I’m so proud that they are taking their schooling seriously
- It’s so helpful when the kids pick up their clothes
- It makes me feel good when the children are respectful
- I love it when the children are cooperative
I’m sure that in most homes there is a fair bit of both lists happening but the difference is…what you place your energy, time and attention on is what you will get back more of.
The key when relating to parenting is to only focus on those things you want for and from your children, and not the things you don’t want for or from them.
As with the examples above we tend to focus our attention on the things about our children that annoy us such as the messy room, dirty clothes on the floor, not concentrating on school work, disrespect…and so on.
What we do then, is move focus and attention to the things we don’t want. So we get more of the same behaviors because this is where our attention is placed. When we do this the children get frustrated and so do we!
What about the language you are using?
When you think about your thoughts and language how often do you use the words, “don’t”, “not” and “no” with and around your children.
Just ask your children to list some examples of these words and I’m sure they will have no trouble coming up with a comprehensive list.
- Don’t make a mess
- Do not hit your brother
- No you cannot have another sweet
- Don’t be rude to me
- Do not be home late
We all know the list could go on and on for pages!
When you think about it, what is it that we really want? I imagine what we want is for our children to-
- Keep clean and tidy
- Be nice to their brother
- Eat something healthier than sweets
- Use appropriate language
- Be home on time
So why don’t we just say that in the first place!
- Use language like …”I need you to…” “I want you to…” and focus on what YOU WANT so the children are clear exactly what you are asking of them.
- Look for every opportunity to praise the children when they ARE doing the right thing and put your energy into that rather than when rules are being broken.
- Teach the children about rules when they are NOT breaking them.
- Learn to use language which encourages greatness and positive habits like:
- “I love that you picked your clothes up without being asked. That shows that you are thoughtful and respectful and taking personal responsibility”
- “Thank you for being home on time when I asked you to be here by 11pm. That shows great self-control, trust and respect and I really appreciate that you listened to me” (You can use this to show them that if they are respectful of your wishes that next time you may allow them to stay out a bit later for example and say “I so appreciated that you were respectful of my wishes to be home by 11pm last weekend so you can make that 11.30 tonight” (I would say that they are more likely to be home on time again because of your trust and the praise you gave and there is NO need for nagging or threats)
Paying attention to the words we use is so important in attracting what we want instead of what we don’t want. The words we use are also important because of the feelings they generate when they are used, both in the one speaking them and in the one hearing them.
With that in mind, we can see that a positive request to do something rather than a negative demand is way more productive. It can create a desire in the child to do what you request as well as promote a positive mindset.
REMEMBER when we use words like “No”, “Don’t” and “Not” they are based on controlling which is acted out by issuing orders and commands. More often than not, they are met with a negative response or reaction.
In contrast, when the parents honor and respect that their children are individuals, they see their role as a parent more to guide and nurture, rather than to ‘command’ and ‘control’.
So REMEMBER with each communication and thought continue to ask yourself…. “What is it that I really want?”